Sunday, April 30, 2017

2 months

When I came here, I was captivated. The peacefulness, the otherworldly landscape made it all feel a bit like a dream. Then the reality of being stuck in the middle of nowhere in a suffocating small "family business" situation hit me and for a while I was quite of a mess, there was a lot of anxiety and some issues started popping up. 



Right now, after 2 months, I’m still moved by the beauty of this land. I appreciate that I am able to work here with something I’m passionate about which is cooking. I’m also grateful that this whole experience allows me to rethink some things about my life and inspires me to make new plans for the future. With all this in mind, it’s so much easier to accept and overcome some drawbacks and obstacles I'm encountering. There are moments when I’m thinking that I should give up and maybe go back to Poland sooner than at the end of July. But it all passes. 

I guess it’s important to allow yourself to feel everything, the whole spectrum of emotions we have as human beings. For me, it gets tricky, cause at times I feel as though I’m on an emotional roller-coaster and the intensity overwhelms and confuses me. Here, I can observe all of those thoughts and emotions arising inside of me more clearly, without being pulled away from myself by the outside world. Cause it’s so easy to get out of touch with yourself while living in the city with all of its speediness and distractions.

Here you have to face everything head-on, cause there’s nowhere to run, not so many things to distract yourself with. Basically you’re stuck with yourself and you have to work with what you have. 





Everything is so unpredictable and changeable here. I’m watching the ocean, how it changes along with the weather. Sometimes calm, sometimes agitated. Sometimes the wind comes and blows everything away. After couple of hours it passes, the air gets warm and you can lie down in the sun on the mossy grass, enjoy the moment. 


This is how life is and I have to let go of the urge to have everything under control. Some things I can control, but most of them I just can’t and I need to accept this. 





Monday, April 10, 2017

emotional landscapes

Month and a half. After a period of relative peacefulness, last week this land decided to teach me a lesson.

I got my first glimpse of the more severe aspects of being stuck in the middle of nowhere. 

There is so much space around and at first it was very welcoming. It allowed me to breathe. Yet suddenly, for a while, it became hostile and imposing. The fog came and covered the mountains forming a milky wall of endless nothingness. What could be hiding in this fog? At the same time the ocean became agitated, heavy waves crashing - majestic and angry-seeming at the same time.

this is a photo of a light fog, when it gets heavier you can only see an infinite white abyss on the horizon

For many days I didn't leave the closest area of the guesthouse where I'm working and the house where I'm sleeping. It was even difficult to go for a walk because of the heavy rain and wind. 

In such circumstances it is so easy for the mind and the emotions to go astray. 

The emotions and moods I experience sometimes go overboard and it has a potential to wreak quite a havoc in my life. This duality confuses me, because on the outside I seem to be calm and emotion-less and then all of a sudden I start freaking out or acting in a really weird way, I do and say bizarre stuff. For a very long time I wasn't even aware that there is something different in the way I experience and process emotions, as compared to let's say "normal" way most of adult people do. I had and probably still have a tendency to act on extreme emotions in situations where it's not the wisest thing to do and repress or not act on them in situations where it could be beneficial. This is an issue I'm working on and probably will for a very long time. I even consulted this with a psychiatrist at some point, who told me a very important thing - when it comes to mental health, we are all on a spectrum, it's never black or white. There are very few people, if any, who are perfectly sane or perfectly insane. Majority of people experience some abnormalities in one or more aspects of the way they are functioning, while the other aspects are working just fine for them. Just because I experience emotions more intensely than what is considered to be the norm, that doesn't mean that there is something "wrong" with me or that I'm "crazy". I have to accept that this is the way I am and only then I can start working with what I have, try to find a balance, not to hurt myself nor other people because of this. This also has a positive side - experiencing intense emotions and being hyper-sensitive at the core of my being is a great source of creativity for me and I think this is why I am able to be creative in some fields without having a lot of skills for it, to be honest.


lonely, vulnerable alga

So yes, my mind and my emotions went into a weird spiral last week. I got stuck on some negative thoughts and couldn't find a way out, blowing mild issues and misunderstandings completely out of proportion which resulted in a breakdown. Thankfully, someone pointed out that I'm being irrational and right afterwards I got a chance to leave the area for the first time since many almost identical days spent doing almost identical things in the same environment of the guesthouse. We went on a trip to the town of Stykkisholmur, which is 50 km away and has a population of 1195 people. Looking at the landscape along the way and then doing the shopping felt truly amazing and extraordinary. I felt like a child in a candy shop.


the view from the car during the trip

This seemingly random, but for me very important trip allowed me to find some new energy. The crisis defused and now I know that in order to feel better when things get stuck, I just have to do something that will allow me to look at things from a different perspective. I have to change the rhythm once in a while.


Stykkisholmur

It's interesting how here, in this situation of being in a remote place far away from everything, many issues I thought I had already put behind me or dealt with, they start popping up unexpectedly. There are still demons and ghosts haunting me. Maybe instead of fighting I should become friends with them, so they become something that is going to help me and push me forwards instead of getting in my way and dragging me backwards?


the view on the way back to the guesthouse


What other things is this land about to show me and teach me?